#then i feel bad about myself again
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Firefox-official vs electronicmail
Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby
okay come up with a better idea then. firefox-official is gone asshole it’s electronicmail or nothing
#this one was hard to respond to because it elicited the usual anon rage in me#but i had to think about it anyway.#this blog has been around for less than a month and it is driving me fucking crazy#don’t you think i know?#dont you think it hurts enough already#i dont want this blog either i want my old blog back with all my stuff on it#i would like to stick around#because i loved posting#and i get that you’re just having fun#but i’m making an example of you#less than a month vs five years#‘household name’ firefox official#spent five years building that thing#and now it’s just this.#i keep forgetting#and then i’m here again#not home#i know you all feel bad enough for me already#but it’s so hard to be myself because the environment on here is SO different#we were HAPPY#WE WERE SO HAPPY#Umm… Or whatever.#guess i could go back to firefox unofficial#but that feels far too close to the sun. and i’m done with the wings i think.#i dont mean to be so serious#a total mood killer i know#i just dont know how to proceed exactly#because when i post like normal i cant help but feel sad#and when i post about being sad its just sort of obnoxious#i’m not really asking for pity i just want to explain where i am at
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Kinda want to write a Spock POV post-fal-tor-pan fic where Spock sees Jim and is instantly whammed with the fact that he's in love with him, but still has no idea why or what that means, so he just goes around with a knot of love tangled in his mind, utterly baffled as to why it's there or how to figure it out. He can't ask the kolinahr adepts, because it feels un-vulcan, so instead he's just. confusedly pining the entire time.
Jim smiles sappily at him and Spock's like "My Heart Is Beating Faster. Why Is My Heart Beating Faster. There Is No Cause For My Heart To Be Beating Faster. Do I Have Tachycardia."
Spock, to McCoy: Doctor, is there history of heart disease in my family?
Bones, suspicious: Yes? Why? (already surreptitiously scanning Spock w/ a tricorder)
Spock: I have noticed concerning irregularities in my heart beat. They occur primarily around Admiral Kirk.
Bones, freezing: Repeat that for me, Spock?
Spock: I have noti-
Bones: No, not that, the next bit! Where they happen!
Spock: Ah. Around Admiral Kirk.
[FIVE MINUTES LATER]
Spock, annoyed: Doctor, cease laughing. I fail to understand what part of my medical condition you find so amusing.
Bones, still wheezing with laughter: Don't - don't you worry your little head about it, Spock. You're not sick, that's the important thing. (interrupts himself by laughing again) You'll (wheeze) figure it out eventually.
(Spock, disgruntled, gives up on him and leaves.)
(McCoy keeps laughing for another ten minutes.)
#*sprays myself with water* stop. bad fool. no starting new projects until you have finished at LEAST two old projects#me taking the inherent angst of “post-resurrection memory loss” and saying “but what if we get silly with it”#he's been alive for two blinks and doesn't know what love is but boy howdy is he feeling it#probably to keep the lighter tone we can assume that kirk doesn't actually realize that spock doesn't remember that they were married#he's just like “my husband is alive again!!! <3<3<3”. he is unaware that spock has zero knowledge OR that spock is pining pathetically#so kirk is being Soft and supportive to spock knowing that he needs time to come back to terms with his emotions while spock is ??<3??#kirk thinks that they're on the same page about mending their relationship. while spock has no idea there WAS one Or that he Wants one#spock: jim has invited me to dinner once again. my heartrate increased due to both the invitation and admiral kirk's proximity.#the meaning of this is unclear. i may be ill. i have no desire to limit my interactions with the admiral however. therefore i shall attend.#kirk: i'm going on a date with my husband!!!!! <3<3<3 who is cute and flustered all the time because his mind is a little fuzzy!! <3<3#tos#star trek movies#tsfs#star trek#star trek the original series#star trek the search for spock#james t kirk#spock#spirk#k/s#bones mccoy
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Please ignore if this is too personal but IIRC you were/are dealing with caffeine addiction? I hope you're doing Ok, as a former addict I know how hard it is so wishing you the best xx
thank you for checking in!!
i'm doing very well!! i haven't cut out coffee completely bc i really don't think i can (it's been one of my daily pleasures for SO long), but right now i only have 1-2 espresso shots and i don't even have it every day anymore
also remembering that i used to have 4-6 shots per drink, sometimes multiple times a day, makes me want to throw up now which is probably a good sign ajkdhdsh
#ramble#tw addiction#i've always felt weird calling it an addiction bc like. it was just coffee and it feels like bastardising a little bit#but i mean it was a habit i couldn't live without and it was making my life actively worse so i feel like it qualifies#the fact that someone checks in on me every couple of months is very sweet :'))#if you're asking how i was like. ok. during the worst of it#amazing question. i was NOT#as someone who already has digestive issues idk why the fuck i did that to myself sjhdhdsh#i'm starting my job soon and i'm a bit worried it's going to get bad again so if it does i'll switch fully to decaf#it's not even about the energy i just like having a fun little drink in the middle of the day#so if i have to stop having caffeine completely it shouldn't be that bad#as long as i have my syrups and my milk frother i'll be grand
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Sorry for being such a poopyhead and letting my negative emotions take ahold of me and control my thought process for nearly 3 days guys anyways self-esteem has been recovered (somewhat) and now I'm just doing a colorblind challenge using Caine to test if I can still paint
(I disabled colors on my screens and therefore CANNOT see any of the colors even in this screenshot, I'm relying purely on values and all I can see are black and whites) (EDIT: Okay, I forgot the exception to this challenge was Caine's eyes because I wanted it to be the same as his original palette just in case this attempt's palette was too unrecognizable.)
I also discovered I like cooking as a hobby during those 3 days of self-reflection. I should stop being terminally online more often
#Ziku's insane rambles#life update#personal post#tadc#the amazing digital circus#tadc caine#caine#art wip#digital art#the last three days were both hellish and eye-opening#so I'm still glad I took that break#turns out it's even what I needed for myself#before I took the break I was having MAD doubts about my artistic skills and very bad thoughts#now I'm back on the saddle again#sometimes all you need is to take a step back#when things feel overwhelming; step away from the keyboard#trust the process :)
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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Something that lowkey pisses me off is how Nesta is always portrayed as this girlboss by her stans because she was a bitch…
Like, yeah she was bitchy and at times she had good iconic one liners but it was a trauma response, her using harsh words to tear into others before they could tear into her was a defense mechanism rooted into her from the mental and physical abuse she suffered from as a child. This side of nesta is commonly the only one portrayed and it’s so sad. Especially when we see this soft side of nesta in acosf when she’s finally able to just be herself in the house of wind, like at heart she’s just a girl who loves to eat chocolate cake, read smut, cuddle, and have sleepovers. She’s not some bitchy club girl! (Not bringing down anyone for this lifestyle.. it’s just not Nesta’s lifestyle lols)
And nesta hated herself when she said harsh things to others. She hated that she was a bitch 😭. It’s just sad seeing people who say they love her uplift her for things that nesta hated about herself and wanted to improve on..
#nesta is that bitch but she’s not a bitch like yall want her to be if that makes sense#acosf#nesta archeron#pro nesta archeron#pro nesta#I just feel like she’s the most mischaracterized character honestly#and it’s always by her stans 😭#like why!?#also#the drinking and going out to taverns and sleeping with strangers#was all a trauma response too#and she did those things as punishment to herself#bc again she HATED herself for how she treated others#and yes I say this myself too as a nesta stan#but I would never uplift her for things she hated about herself/punished herself#the tags turned into a rant my bad lmao
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SAGESUNE MIKU >:DDD
#i rise from the dead once again!!#sorry about the long periods of time in between me posting#school is absolutely kicking my ass right now and i havent had any time to draw the creatures :(#ive also just been feeling unsatisfied with my art as of late#its probably just too much time online looking at other peoples art making me feel bad about myself#even though im improving as fast as i can it doesnt feel like im getting any better#but i know from experience that that feeling doesnt go away with time#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better#man. that got really depressing :/#anyways SAGE!!! i love her she is my favorite of all time and im going to draw her so much yall dont even KNOW :D#ive got tons of other stuff planned too so watch out >:3#i could hit you guys with 6 paragraphs of au lore any day now#sonic the hedgehog#sage robotnik#AWWWHHHGG SHE HAS HER OWN LITTLE TAG IM SOBBING#anyways#sage sonic#hatsune miku#i guess#whoof im scared to post this#or maybe im just exhausted#probably both :/
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And if you kick every mentally ill, former gifted kid out of this country, then who is going to make up your fan base, Crosshair Bad Batch?
#I’m calling myself tf out with this one#like my whole identity was built on being ‘smart’ and special in a way#then after graduation I couldn’t find a job and got rejected from grad school#but I recently picked myself back up again#this coincided with the third season and his journey that season really spoke to me and gave me the strength to try again#and build a new identity for myself outside of what supposedly made me ‘special’#idk guys I just have a lot of feelings about this supposed to be funny post#star wars tbb#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch#tbb crosshair#crosshair bad batch
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Still very wild to me when people try to gotcha Jason with the whole "if you can kill other people for being evil why can't they kill you" when jason is like. One of the most passively suicidal characters I've ever seen. What if man
#augh i dont want to cw this because im just talking about The Character and i feel bad when i do it for characters but i probably should#suicide mention#ask to tag#while im here i do absolutely believe hes been suicidal since jaybin times. maybe even before just in different ways. but like#going into that building with shelia? yeah#now. i DONT think he was aware of it and if youd ask him hed say no fully believing thats the truth#but like if a ghost jaybin had some introspection time i think he'd maybe eventually be like yeah#his outcomes to him were have a loving parent or die and hes a very big fan of ultimatums like that.#but he doesn't fully see it like that as jaybin because oh hes a hero and saving others when no one else can is what heros do :)#ramble. ivee been feeling it lately yknow how it is#ive once saw a post saying jason was planning to die after the joker was dead in utrh and yeagh i can see that#he puts A BOMB in his HELMET#suicidal characters in the context of hero stories are so fascinating to me. the self sacrifice.#the not caring about your own safety as long as you save someone else. the pushing yourself#the way itd be so easy to make it look like they just fell in battle. to be considered a hero in the end#anyway ive been glancing at suicidal jason todd fics. how bad is it that im still getting mad about characterization#because theyre not killing him right#AND ANOTHER THING. since im here and i try to avoid making posts about The Character like this so might as welk get it all out#think about suicidal jaybin as well as the fact 80s bruce very much considered suicidal people/people attempting like#weak and lazy? yells at them? i think thats about it. Very Much. je seems to straight up just hate them#again very much feel free to ask me to tag this one ^-^'#and i hope no one thinks im being callous here im very worried about that. i just its a very important part of his character to think about#and its fun to explore as someone who is passively suicidal myself#jason todd analysis#anyway no one look at me i am in my corner just rotating him#WAIT to clarify i dont think jaybin fully realized Just becauceof the heros sacrifice thing. i made it sound like that i believe#anyway. if you read him as suicidal since jaybin times and go to ditf with that lens like i did. well. the post death victim blaming..
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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Is Jacob's ladder over ?
Nope. It is freezed till I get back to rottmnt 👍🏻
I currently wanna concentrate on doodling what gives me serotonin right now, on animating, animatics, college, side works and learning, especially since it will be finals dor me soon and I don't know what will be happening later
So feel free to unfollow me since there will not be what you want for the near time 👍🏻
#I think I should put “freezed” somewhere on masterpost. And just clean masterpost *sigh*#but with what percentage people will see it#I'm pretty sure very little amount of people can start drawing something on command#I am still on the tumblr only because of one person in the first place#I can't draw even more and not expect myself not to explode#It is with the fact that I don't even have an official work like most people do#So yeah I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to sound bad or anything but the more asks I get about if JL is finished or not the more I don't#want to get back to it. I have drafts and main ideas finished. I will get back to it when I will feel like drawing rottmnt again#For now let me enjoy other things *bow*
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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People complaining about Tsukasa5 already are pissing me off, because like, it's so unbelievably obvious what this event is trying to do and the fact that people are so hung up on "urgh dur tsukasa strong why can't he do a wall climb".
Like, first of all, a lot of Tsukasa's strength has been used as comedy before and also it's never been said that Tsukasa could specifically do a wall climb before so people calling this a retcon or a stretch is really dumb to me.
Sure we can make jokes about it, but this is not like a serious writing problem or anything.
Also are we just gonna ignore the fact this event is literally just a reference to his 3rd event in a silly trenchcoat. Or the fact that this is obviously meant to be WxS's downtime and training arc to prepare them to face the loose plotpoints in the future?
His inner dialogue when chasing the ninja is very clearly a reference to the whole Pheonix thing, how he can't reach it no matter how hard he tries.
The wall climb is like an extremely fucking on the nose metaphor to him climbing over his issues as an actor.
THERE IS ALSO THE WHOLE THING THAT HINTS THAT TSUKASA CAN ONLY OVERCOME HIS PROBLEMS IF HE HAS HELP FROM OTHERS (AKA tsukasa would've literally BEEN INJURED, if it wasn't for the fact the troupe's leader was there).
In fact this literally followed an event aka Tsukasa 4 where he FAILED to do his role correctly.
It's almost like this event is meant to be a transition point between Tsukasa 4 and 6, where Tsukasa builds up the knwoledge on how to face his problems.
But no this is just mid event because it's very silly and "wow plot is stupid why can't tsukasa wall climb".
WxS fans are slowly just turning into VBS fans in terms of how whiney they're being i swear
#project sekai#pjsk#tsukasa tenma#tsukasa pjsk#prsk#wxs#wonderlandxshowtime#i'm sorry colorpalet decided to give wxs downtime after an entire arc of literal pain#maybe they should just rush the entire plot and make them face their final conflict immediatly#yk why not just have asahi pop up right now why don't you#sorry i'm gonna be salty about this#there was like one good twitter thread about this event and the entire training arc right now and i'm just#i'm holding that thread like my last sliver of hope for humanity's reading comprehension of wxs events#like if you find these event boring that's your personnal taste but to like#actively dismiss things as bad writing despite the intent being clearly obvious it's like#again vbs fans literally were whining and crying about how vbs were defeating rad weekend “already”#and then turns out when they fucking read the event it was actually the correct narrative decision#like wow look what happens when you wait#i'm also talking about myself because i was terrified of wxs getting a rushed arc ender#if you feel insulted by this post i'm NOT sorry /j#but no seriously it's fine if you don't like it i'm just annoyed that i already see a tide wave of people just not getting this event
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would i be considered a lunatic if i said that horror's story could be read as a parallel for SA. Hear Me Out: (obviously be careful for reading this bc like,,, sensitive topic)
i feel like the largest parallel could be the actual event of getting his eye taken. a part of his body is "taken" and literally or metaphorically horror was pinned down and forced to give up his body (even worse considering that a literal part of him was PULLED out with a foreign object designed solely to hurt HIM SPECIFICALLY). it's digusting and horror claws and fights his way out to prevent it but unfortunately it still ends up happening no matter what he could've done. no matter how many backup plans or extra contibutions or begging or fighting he did. which like. sounds honestly pretty simple to the reality of victims of SA. that hopelessness of knowing that even if you did as much as you could, covering up, devoting yourself to a life of chastity, not hanging with people like thay, there's still a chance that something bad could happen and all of a sudden everyone's out to get you and how could they just stand by and do NOTHING while you were left to suffer and defend yourself
which leads onto the next point i wanna bring up which is horror's rage immediately after getting his eye stolen. his anger at the betrayal is (very justified my boy did nothing to deserve this) solely about him and his bodily autonomy. undyne (and alphys ig,,,,) couldn't consider ANY other possible solution than to deprive him of his autonomy and decide to just take what they wanted from his body??? AND THE FACT THAT ALPHYS SAID THAT HE MIGHT AGREE TO GIVING UP HIS EYE? it's giving very much so "oh it'll feel good so don't worry" type shit or whatever (horrortale alphys i DONT like you). a betrayal at the hands of someone you trusted a lot about your bodily autonomy? it just gives off that sort of parallel
and the sheer anger and fury that horror felt and enacted on alphys and undyne and everyone else at the CORE just like DUDE. that is a type of anger that only comes out when you've been deeply wronged. sometimes when a horrific experience like getting SAed happens you just wanna explode and drag down everyone around you and ESPECIALLY the perpetrators no matter how much you rationalize. you can have as many people as you want try to convince you that revenge and being hateful isnt the way but it doesn't matter because they havent been wronged the way youve been. horror deserved to be that cruel because undyne and alphys were just as cruel back to him, so he'll be the same and return it 10fold (he probably wasnt even out of bones when he decided to turn them into chips he just wanted to make it a point that he didn't even need to use his full strength to hurt the guards. horror could've EASILY killed alphys but no he wanted it to hurt for her so she could live a life of eternal suffering and fall to her lowest and to ESPECIALLY hurt undyne. because they deserve to suffer just as much as he did if not more for the crime commited against him)
a betrayal as bad as alphys's is only worsened when she tells him that she doesnt regret a single thing about using him for the underground. that has to be the single most infuriating thing for horror to hear because WHAT DO YOU MEAN alphys doesn't regret a thing? that's exactly what some people gloat about after doing terrible things; they try to sweep it under the rug as nothing that bad or justify it OR JUST STRAIGHT UP ADMIT IT!!! nah horrortale alphys deserved to suffer idc
and back onto that feeling of wanting to kick and scream and drag everyone else down with you after being left so used and betrayed due to getting SAed: i know it was bad that horror tricked snowdin into eating humans it was TERRIBLY BAD but really horror was just operating on anger and spite and the need for vengeance. nobody in snowdin ever did anything to hurt him (and i'm sure horror knows that considering he definitely regrets what he did) but to him maybe they also should feel the pain he feels so they can all relate. so that they can't try and fight against him when he says his side of the story and say that undyne was right with what she did. that maybe he wouldn't feel so absolutely devastated after what happened if he saw everyone around him suffering too, and maybe JUST MAYBE he'd get a bit of something back from his sacrifice that he never consented to
i KNOW i'm not reaching with this but idk if i phrased it the best. but to me horror's story really does genuinely parallel to one of an SA survivor's: the betrayal, the anger, the feeling of loneliness and isolation and just feeling absolutely used for a simple thing as your body. chapter 4 of horrortale really is amazing storytelling and so is horror (he was reasonable in what he did IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS he might be WRONG but it was reasonable. i love horror sans)
#i'm sorry if this is like kinda not srs enough for this topic just know that this came from a place of genuine relation to horror#his story resonates a lot to me about my own personal experiences and the anger and betrayal i felt myself#and i just wanted to point out the similarities i saw 🙁#i think that maybe even without realizing it that he might feel replused at sex and especially the intimacy part#touching his eye socket or head wound is like reliving the entire situation over again and he does NOT WANT THAT AT ALL#its a part of his body that he cant just get rid of because it's necessary which SUCKS#the snarkiness that horror has against undyne even after 7 years is so real#you NEVER forgive your abuser in that situation. i know damn well that the grudge will continue to last on for many more years to come#one day horror and undyne might be able to make up and coexist but horror wont ever be able to TRULY forgive her#a part of you changes viscerally for the worse when you go through something so traumatic#and i think horror's outburst fits that change a lot. it seems almost sudden how quickly he goes from sans to horror#and even though he was still spiralling before the CORE he probably wouldn't have changed so drastically without a betrayal THIS bad#he better get the BEST potential ending in horrortale or else i will RIOT#if aliza doesnt save horrortale and give them all the freedom they DESPERATELY NEED#SAS pls SAS pls don't doom them even more than they already are thats all i need#this metaphor is made even worse with my idea that killer or dust pull him around by the eye or skull#probably not dust (when he's calm (when he's not all boundaries get thrown out the window)#but with killer probably. he doesn't particularly care about what horror wants or keeps to himself#if it gets a barely amusing reaction then sure whatever. horror gets unreasonably pissed anyway for someone who just got his eye taken#in fights they could make it a point to hold onto his skull near the eyewound as tightly as possible#just to make it HURT. dust wants horror to remember him with as much hate as he does for undyne#killer does it to get him to remember that moment except this time no he can't fight back. just to keep him in line#it sucks i know but this trio was never truly made to improve eachother. they were made to drag eachother down worse than they already are#tricule analyze#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv
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The Syd Poll
the topic of this poll is one that is frequently avoided in the pink floyd fandom, but inevitably one we all consider – our individual views on what we think caused syd's psychological struggles (and by extension, led to his departure from the band). I think that – at least in this neighborhood of tumblr – this is a conversation we are capable of having in a way that is civil, nuanced, and at least minimally disrespectful to syd.
So, to help facilitate this, here are some ground rules:
let's all assume we have a mutual understanding of the complexities of this. syd could never actually be reduced down to a poll, and all of our viewpoints are limited in various ways
the poll options just serve as just a conversation starter, and responses are not necessarily a statement of absolute beliefs
feel free to discuss as much or as little of your own perspective as you feel comfortable sharing.
in the case that debates break out, please try to assume good intent – and also demonstrate it (unless, for instance, someone is being blatantly insulting beyond a misunderstanding that needs correcting)
please do NOT vote if you are not actually a pink floyd fan with at least basic knowledge about what we're talking about here.
The options I've included below are not meant to be exhaustive, they are simply the "theories" that I have seen most commonly circulated. I have also decided not to include combinations. I'm fairly sure we'd all agree multiple factors were involved. Rather than make the poll too complicated, I ask you to instead select the one that you think is the "most" important to your viewpoint, and clarify further in your tags/comments as you wish.
so. here we go.
READ BEFORE VOTING ^^^^
(note of correction: "late-onset schizophrenia" should just be "schizophrenia". the typical timeline for onset of symptoms is late adolescence/early adulthood, so syd would've been well within that period at the time)
#pink floyd#syd barrett#//#I will sacrifice myself and go first with way too much detail. hopefully it will help other people feel more comfortable talking#I chose consensual use of psychedelics. mainly bc I am fairly certain that he suffered from severe hppd#it stands for 'hallucinogen persisting perception disorder' –speaking crudely its 'did too much acid and got stuck like that'#I do NOT expect this kind of oversharing from anyone else but the reason I think that is because -I- definitely have that#its comparatively mild but I notice a lot of the same kind of impacts.#I'm more prone to dissociation and overstimulation. it takes more mental energy to communicate. my perception plays a bit fast and loose.#(again. it's not -that- bad. and NO pity for me this was a completely predictable outcome that I DO think is a little funny) but digressing#I can clearly see how if those symptoms were significantly escalated it would be just like what was described by ppl who knew syd#I think its very unkind to refer to him as a “drug casualty”#but I'm fairly confident anyone who's done acid would say by about hour 8 of the trip “okay. yah. too much of this could do that to someone#in other words –although I'm pretty sure syd was also neurodivergent– I do think its at least possible that the lsd couldve been enough#I'm happy to talk more about any of this in asks/dms if anyone wants. genuinely very cool with discussing it#but anyway. that's my take – obviously based entirely on anecdotal evidence tho so take that with as many grains of salt as you wish
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